Nothing really matters

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Mattresses

“No one really knows what mattresses are meant to gain from life. They are large, friendly, pocket-sprung creatures that live quiet, private lives in the marshes of Sqornshellous Zeta. Many of them get caught, slaughtered, dried out, shipped out and slept on. None of them seems to mind this and all of them are called Zem.

Mattresses make a variety of noises that are not supposed to be able to be made by other lifeforms throughout the galaxy, such as willomies, gobbers, flurs, and glurries. Those being only a few examples.

Mattresses are also capable of doing things floopily, meaning in a floopy manner. “

See: http://hitchhikers.wikia.com/wiki/Mattresses

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9c4lLnY0rA

"Let me tell you something…

I’ve had enough of Irish-Americans who haven’t been back to their country in 20 or 30 years come up to me and talk about the resistance, the revolution back home and the glory of the revolution and the glory of dying for the revolution.

F*** the revolution!

They don’t talk about the glory of killing for the revolution.

What’s the glory of taking a man from his bed and gunning him down in front of his wife and children?

Where’s the glory in that?

Where’s the glory in bombing a remembrance day parade of old age pensioners, their medals taken out and polished up for the day?

Where’s the glory in that?

To leave them dying, or crippled for life or dead under the rubble of a revolution that the majority of the people in my country don’t want?"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enniskillen_bombing

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Li Masters High Voltage Physics
by our Science Correspondent

Tesla Coil at Wassat Moor

Inspired by the recent post on men in sheds and their tesla coils our very own Master Li has constructed a tesla coil using bits and pieces of ‘stuff’ he found in his shed complex at Wassat Moor.

We were lucky enough to be given a tour around the facility just to the north of Boggit’s Hole Bottom including the new High Voltage Laboratory.

Showing us his new invention, which narrowly missed the accolade of a Faraday-Darwin Award for the fortunate inventor and Vapour Mechanic, he explained "We’ve just managed to squeeze it in between the New Samsung fridge-freezer and the gorilla racking." adding "…it was quite hard work. It took nearly a whole afternoon, but we still managed to get a few pints in at Th’ Leg-O-Mutton."

It didn’t work, of course, but if it had done it would have looked something like this:

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/brianlepage/mandb/vids/BMM2.mpg

Eastern Association

http://www.easternassociation.com/

NO, AND NO AGAIN; PARLIAMENT TO CONFISCATE MALIGNANTS’ ESTATES

September 8th, 1642

Parliament has spurned a second offer of peace from King Charles, less than two weeks after rejecting the monarch’s first, and declared it would confiscate the property of the King’s supporters to meet the expenses of the war.

Delivered three days ago by Lord Falkland , the King offered "with all cheerfulness" to take down his standard, erected on August 22 in Nottingham, provided Parliament first revoke "its declarations against all persons as traitors for assisting us."

"Our chief desire in this world is to beget a good understanding and mutual confidence betwixt us and our two Houses of Parliament," the King wrote.

Parliament
in its rejection reminded the King of its letter of August 27, which stated it would not treat with Charles unless he first lowered his standard and recalled his proclamation declaring those opposing him to be traitors.

"We cannot recede from our former answer," Parliament wrote to the King.

The "good and well-affected subjects" of England, Parliament said, will be repaid all monies lent Parliament "out of the estates of delinquents and of the malignant and disaffected party" in the Kingdom.

"To that end," Parliament said, "both this and succeeding generations may take warning with what danger they commit such heinous crimes."

The King’s situation is at present perilous. Portsmouth, seized for him last month by Lord Goring, surrendered today. The Earl of Essex, Lord-General of Parliament’s armies, is scheduled to depart London tomorrow or the day after to join the regiments mustering in Northampton. Parliament’s forces number near 20,000; while those of the King are said to contain fewer than 1000 horse, commanded by Prince Rupert, and 1000 foot.

It may well be that the war is over before the harvest is home.

Be sure to watch Off Kilter, the three-part series written and presented by Jonathan Meades, which starts on BBC 4 at 9pm on Wednesday.

There is almost no corner of culture that remains alien to Meades, or unscrutinised in his original, penetrating way.

This series is about Scotland, but don’t let that put you off. Meades gives us Scotland as probably even most of the Scots do not understand it.

It's Friday

“I don’t care if Monday’s blue
Tuesday’s grey and Wednesday too
Thursday I don’t care about you
It’s Friday, I’m in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Oh, Thursday doesn’t even start
It’s Friday I’m in love

I don’t care if Mondays black
Tuesday, Wednesday – heart attack
Thursday, never looking back
It’s Friday, I’m in love

Monday, you can hold your head
Tuesday, Wednesday stay in bed
Or Thursday – watch the walls instead
It’s Friday, I’m in love”

Sir Clement Freud

Sir Clemeny Freud

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/culture-obituaries/tv-radio-obituaries/5163084/Sir-Clement-Freud.html

"Sir Clement Freud, who has died aged 84, was perhaps best known for his deadpan performances on Just A Minute, BBC Radio 4’s comedy panel programme.

Here is one of his best known jokes…

"The Inland Revenue decide to audit Cyril, summon him to their office for an appointment with their most thorough auditor, who is not surprised when Cyril arrives with his solicitor. The auditor says: ‘Sir, you cannot deny that you have an extravagant lifestyle, no full-time employment, and pay no taxes on the grounds of your contention that you win money gambling. I have to tell you that Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise finds that explanation difficult to believe.’

"’I am a great gambler and can prove it,’ says Cyril. ‘Would you like a demonstration?’

"The auditor considers this for a moment and agrees. Cyril says: ‘I bet you a thousand pounds I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks for a while, finally says: ‘It’s a bet.’

"Cyril removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor looks sick.

"’I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye,’ says Cyril. The auditor can tell Cyril isn’t blind, so he accepts the bet. Cyril removes his false teeth and bites the good eye.

"The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost £3,000, with Cyril’s solicitor as a witness; he gets very nervous. ‘Double or nothing?’ Cyril says. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on the righthand side of your desk and piss into the bin on the far side without getting one drop anywhere between.’

"The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now but examines the proposal carefully. Cyril is not a tall man, the desk is eight foot wide; he decides there is simply no way Cyril could do that, so he agrees again.

"Cyril stands at the side of the desk, unzips his trousers, strains for all he is worth but cannot make the stream reach the bin on the far side, and finishes up having urinated pretty well all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a sizeable win, then notices that Cyril’s solicitor is moaning, with his head in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’ asks the auditor.

"’Not really,’ says the solicitor. ‘This morning, when Cyril told me he had been summoned to this audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it . . . and I took the bet.’"

/http://www.mrs-trellis.co.uk/error.html” rel=”nofollow”>Scrap Bag Volume I http://www.mrs-trellis.co.uk/

From this site you can play Mornington crescent, naturally, but be aware that the Pauli-Braithwaite Northern-line exclusion principle may be in play…


Black Horizontal Line

Uncle Nolli’s patented Astro-Feng-Shui-Tarot presents:

Sagittarius: 23 November-21 December:
Confusion tomorrow when the tray in your CD player suddenly begins to leak
apple juice. Luckily it’s still under guarantee. And the apple juice will
keep for three days if refrigerated.

Lucky shampoo: Wash & Go 2-in-1.


Black Horizontal Line

St Michael Patron of Particle Physics

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Postage stamps from the Republic of China (1911 – 1949)

Top row: President Yuan Shikai who declared himself emperor in 1915 and then died mysteriously.

Bottom row Sun Yat-sen the ‘Father of Modern China’ who was a principled nationalist who said that his “three Principles of the People” was inspired by Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysberg Address.
Also Chiang Kai-shek who infamously lost China and fled into exile in Taiwan in 1949.

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.

http://clovia.stumbleupon.com

Sad news, so I plagiarise WB Yeats:

“Clovia has sailed into his rest;
Savage indignation there
Cannot lacerate his breast.
Imitate him if you dare,
World-besotted traveller; he
Served human liberty.

Clovia – a visual feast, every visit.

…seems so unfair, I want to cry…

Twas the Night before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her `kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, `ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

http://www.nothingtoxic.com/media/1217024348/Sexiest_and_Greatest_Beer_Ad_Ever

From the page:
“Teenager Chased Beaten And Stabbed To Death”
“Rejected Clubber Stabs Two Bouncers”
“Grenade Attack Kills Seven”
“Cop Gets Viciously Beaten By a Suspect”

Sicko voyeurism including snuff movies.

That’s what you get in the name of entertainment.

This site isn’t showing ‘the greatest Beer Ad ever as it’s first video anymore…move on

Uncle Nolly’s Astro-Sensitive Feng Shui Guide part 78:


Before

Feel that positive energy flow from morning to night

After

Pull all your kitchen units at least 7 inches away from the wall, standing them one on top of another if necessary.

Feel that positive energy flow from morning to night.