Monologues at Make Em Laugh!

http://www.monologues.co.uk/

THE BALLAD OF THE WOGGLER’S MOOLY*
(Kenneth Williams)

Joe, he was a young cordwangler,
Munging greebles he did go,
And he loved a bogler’s daughter
By the name of Chiswick Flo.

Vain she was and like a grusset
Though her gander parts were fine,
But she sneered at his cordwangle
As it hung upon the line.

So he stole a woggler’s mooly
For to make a wedding ring,
But the Bow Street Runners caught him
And the judge said “He will swing.”

Oh, they hung him by the postern,
Nailed his mooly to the fence
For to warn all young cordwanglers
That it was a grave offence.

There’s a moral to this story,
Though your cordwangle be poor,
Keep your hands off other’s moolies,
For it is against the law.

*A mooly is a sort of smoked cuttlefish of the whelk family, or a brother-in-law you might say.

Nowadays you can get them frozen and pre-woggled, but they don’t taste the same.

Hear All, See All, Say Nowt
Recorded by Sandy Powell 1939

Hear all, see all, say nowt,
Eat all, drink all, pay nowt.
It’s a long time remember
from January to December
So hear all, see all, say nowt,
Eat all, sup all, pay nowt
And if ever thy does owt fer nowt
Always do it fer th’sen.

When I was a right young lad
Me father said t’me
Seems to me thy’s growin’ up
Now what’s thy goin’ t’be?
It all depends upon th’self
It’s only up to thee
I won’t say much to you again
But take this tip from me…

Hear all, see all, say nowt,
Eat all, drink all, pay nowt.
It’s a long time remember
from January to December
So hear all, see all, say nowt,
Eat all, sup all, pay nowt
And if ever thy does owt fer nowt
Always do it fer th’sen.

Save thy pennies while thy can
And just do what I say,
If thy doesn’t keep thy ‘ead
Tha’ll ‘ave some brass one day.
It all depends upon th’self
It’s only up to thee
But there’s one thing thy can reckon on
Thy won’t get owt from me.